DebtFreeGuru.com's - Tip of the Week - Monday, November 28, 2005
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3 Big Reasons Couples Fight about Money
Arguments about
money are often really struggles for power. Managing these issues can
smooth out the bickering.
By MP Dunleavey
(As Seen on MSN.Com)
Editor's note:
Columnist MP Dunleavey and eight other women have come together online
to strip away the myths surrounding money, lay bare their assets and
liberate themselves from debt. Follow the quest for financial
fabulousness of these "Women in Red" every second Monday in
Dunleavey's column on MSN Money.
Like many married women, Anna, Beth, Stephanie and I have all fought
with our spouses about money.
Big loud fights, small seething fights, ongoing tense "discussions" . .
. pick your favorite form of financial conflict, and we've been there,
done that. Recently.
You'd think that, with more than a year of experience in the Women in
Red, we'd be so financially enlightened that silly money squabbles
would be a thing of the past.
Nope. But the good news is, we've learned that it's possible to find
true and lasting financial harmony with your mate the same way you
achieve financial success in any other area of your life:
-
It takes time.
-
You must be patient.
-
Throwing things is bad.
-
You have to negotiate the power dynamic.
Did someone just say
power? Yes.
When couples come into conflict over money, underneath the bickering
over the Visa bill is a swarm of issues that are ultimately about power
and control. In order to get in synch financially, you can't deal with
money alone: Learning to navigate your own special, sometimes
uncomfortable power dynamic is key.
3 big causes of conflict
According to financial expert Deborah Knuckey, author of “Conscious
Spending for Couples: Seven Skills for Financial Harmony,” most
couples deal with control issues. "It's very common within a
relationship to have one person who is more interested in handling the
money and one who is less interested," she says.
Naturally, the partner who is more interested usually ends up with more
financial control. For many couples, this imbalance may not create any
friction. (A surprising number of women on the Women in Red blog
say they hold the reins, and it actually seems to keep the peace.)
But that's not always the case, and then it becomes time to rebalance
the financial power in the three areas where conflict tends to flare:
1. Your
big-picture goals
While a money fight might start over whether it was you or your spouse
who overdrew the checking account -- or whether it's better to buy a new
car or redo the basement -- Knuckey says that day-to-day money tensions
can be diffused by getting in synch about long-term goals.
"If you have one partner who is not that great at saving, it's much
easier for them to come to terms with certain spending restrictions if
you're able to have the discussions in the context of that bigger goal,"
Knuckey says.
For example, Stephanie, 28, says that she and her husband are much more
in synch with each other financially ever since they agreed that paying
off their almost $30,000 in debt should be a shared priority.
Agreeing even on one shared goal -- to save more for retirement, to save
for a down payment, to put Junior through college, to go on vacation --
also helps prevent a power struggle when spending questions arise.
"Instead of saying, 'You can't buy that iPod', you can say, 'Let's put
that money toward the vacation we agreed on'," Knuckey suggests.
Anna, 41, would add that goal-setting can be a long process when one
partner is reluctant -- like her husband. But she keeps bringing up
their long-term issues and feels her persistence is paying off. "I think
we both realize we're not always on the same page, but we're more in
synch now than we've been."
And a little bit of harmony goes a long way, Anna says, adding that they
have far fewer meltdowns over money than they used to -- and more
productive discussions about priorities.
2. Your
day-to-day money management
Managing cash flow is probably the most-common arena where couples
experience financial flare-ups -- usually because self-appointed
household CFOs tend to like telling their mates how to manage money.
Because this can lead to blame, criticism and mountains of resentment,
it's essential to agree on a day-to-day money management system that
works for both partners.
There are many ways to do this. Beth and I and our husbands rely on the
60% Solution. Stephanie and her husband do as well. Yet while
they plan to team up on paying back debt, they otherwise keep their
accounts separate. "The rest of (our spending) is up to us, on an
individual basis," she says. "It's the best way for us not to fight
about money."
That notion makes my cigar-chomping editor crazy. He believes that true
financial harmony requires sharing every detail of your money lives. I
say work with what works. Whatever spending plan you come up with, it
should help you manage the cash flow so that you and your mate move
closer to your long-term goals.
Knuckey has four other suggestions for keeping power struggles to a
minimum as you create your money-management plan:
-
Discuss your financial plan at a calm moment, not during a crisis.
-
Explore financial beliefs. "Money becomes a proxy for love, power and all kinds of things that it really isn't," she says, "so it's critical to first get clear about what your individual feelings are about money."
Does money make you fearful and anxious? Do you associate it with freedom? How was money handled by your parents?
Most couples have unspoken rules about how to handle money. Try to articulate what these private money policies are: that debt is bad or good, that shopping for entertainment is OK, etc. -
Automate basic bills. "So much bickering I see is over who didn't pay the utility bill," Knuckey says. "By putting everything on auto-pay, you streamline the administration of your money. That alone takes away a lot of tension."
-
Make sure everyone has fun money. When Beth and Scott took the fun-money edict built into the 60% Solution more seriously, it gave them each some breathing room to spend without being accountable to anyone.
3. Your
roles
There's no question that Anna, Beth, Stephanie and I are the financial
control freaks in our relationships. But Knuckey says that, as long as
the imbalance in responsibilities doesn't cause friction, sometimes it's
best when one person has permission to run the show.
"In a marriage, there are always some areas where one person is more
controlling than the other," she notes.
The danger is when one partner knows more about how the household
finances work, where accounts and key papers are kept -- and the other
would rather live in blissful ignorance.
"I've seen widows who never did more than write a few checks suddenly
have to manage the family's finances and investments," says Knuckey.
While a marriage of two equally informed financial partners is ideal,
sometimes you have to settle for baby steps. "There's a limit to what
you can force your partner to do," Knuckey says. "At the very least they
should know where all the files are in case of an emergency."
And in the meanwhile, treat your progress toward financial harmony like
any other money goal. It won't happen overnight, but if the Women In Red
are any indication, 2035 looks like a distinct possibility.
DebtFreeGuru.com - Tip of the Week - Monday, November 28, 2005
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