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DebtFreeGuru.com's - Tip of the Week - Monday, April 7, 2003 |
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The
12 biggest reasons we fight over finances It's
an emotional battlefield: Superheated 'discussions' with your partner
about who's spending, who's saving, and how. Caution: You may spot
yourself in here. By
MP
Dunleavey (As seen on MSN) When
I started doing research for this column, asking what sorts of money
fights people have, every single couple said the same thing: "Well,
we don't really fight
about money." Right,
right, right, I'd have to say, backing away from the inferno of lies.
"But we all have the occasional teensy squabble, right?" Even
then people were hesitant. "Well . . . maybe," they'd say. One
woman described how her husband took away her credit card one day. Not
that they fought about it. Nah. Or
take another couple I know. I was at their house recently when the husband
came home from work with a new drum set. He hadn't planned to drop $500 on
drums that day, he explained as he unloaded the car. He just saw a
classified ad and thought, why not? Although
his wife appeared calm while I was there, she told me later that they had
a long "discussion" about the fact that they had agreed to save
money to buy a house -- never mind their long-planned trip to Europe this
summer -- and why the !@#$% did he have to buy a drum set NOW? What
we have here is a failure to communicate. "It's
a fairly common fight, and it usually happens because the two people
involved aren't on the same page," says Barbara Steinmetz, a
financial planner in Burlingame, Calif. "One person thinks they have
a shared goal of saving for a house, car or retirement, and the other
doesn't." In
fact, most fights occur not because of the amount of money spent but
because of unspoken expectations that couples have and are often afraid to
talk about. Sometimes it's clashing styles, sometimes mismatched agendas,
but people get so rooted in their own money views that they can't see that
their partner simply has a different perspective. Steinmetz
described one couple she advised who had this blind spot. The husband
first outlined his goals for investing, retirement savings, etc. Steinmetz
then asked the wife about her goals. "The husband was shocked to find
out his wife had goals -- and they were different from his!" she
says. So
if you're like most of the couples I interviewed who never really fight
about money, here's a primer on the most common sources of financial
friction. I know you don’t need to resolve any arguments. If some of
them sound familiar, don't worry. They're just talking points, for a
future "discussion." Although
there are hundreds of variations, all of them can be traced back to the
three main sources of money conflict: Communication, Control and Family. Communication The
Done Deal: A
variation of the Big Spender fight, this is when one person opens the
credit-card bill and -- surprise! -- sees the tab for the drum set, the
new suit or the night your mate took the entire office out for drinks. The
fantasy here is that because it's a fait
accompli
your better half will let it go. Oh, but they don't. Jones
Envy: People
in their 40s who still like to compare SAT scores are most vulnerable to
this one. It starts when the neighbors acquire a fancy new ski boat. You
simply MUST have one, but your more practical-minded spouse fails to see
this as an “emergency spending priority.” Do you listen? Apparently
not. Dowry
of Debt: So
when you were preparing to get married you never found the right time to
disclose that you had a few debts. From, uh, law school, which you never
quite finished. Or attended. You kinda forgot to mention the Nordstrom
card and the maxed-out Visa, because . . . you're going to pay them off
really, really soon. This is really, really unlikely. Post-Holiday
Pugilism: He:
Did you really spend $200 on Dad's cashmere sweater? She: Me? You bought
that deluxe CD set for your sister! The Visa bill has landed and those
holiday spending blunders have come back to haunt you like the Ghost of
Christmas Past. So you take it out on each other. Always a healthy choice. Control What,
Me Retire?: The
world can be divided into those who believe in saving for retirement and
those who believe in the Retirement Fairy. If you’re married to the
latter type, it can be difficult to imagine your future together. As one
401(k)'d friend of mine noted, after admitting that she tends to “boil
over” at her husband’s lack of future planning: "You're afraid
your spouse is going to end up on a park bench." Blame
It on the Boss: Are
you the boss? Why are you asking me about how we’re going to pay for
roof repair, if you're the boss? You're the one who pays all the bills and
does all those spreadsheets. No, I'm not bitter. I don't feel disempowered.
What do you mean you never asked to be in charge?! You TOOK charge. Did
so. Software
Snafu: One
of you is fanatically devoted to all the lovely budget and planning tools
in your Microsoft Money or Quicken program. At the end of each month you
have a terrific round of mutual recrimination because, sadly, you now know
exactly where the money went. Family The
Parent Trap: You've
taken on the same financial role that your mother or father once played,
but your partner doesn’t seem to know his or her role in the drama and
isn’t ready to surrender the checkbook -- or commandeer it -- according
to the unconscious script you're expecting the two of you to follow. Out
with the In-Laws: In
the first five minutes of any visit, your in-laws will manage to push at
least one of your big financial buttons. ("The house is so much
smaller than it looked in the photo, especially given what you
paid.") Ten minutes later, you’re both growling at each other. For
couples: 8 tips on how to talk about money Fighting
about money is as old as money itself, arising partly out of philosophical
differences and partly from habits so old you forgot you had them. But
now, at least, you can see all the ways they feed into those arguments
you're not having. Here’s
how: 1)
Take a hike. Or a walk. "Men don’t like to open up about
this," notes Lavine, "so having the discussion while you’re
relaxed, out in the fresh air, will help." 2)
Fess
up. Start by telling your partner what your own family’s attitudes and
behaviors toward money were. (Hint: If you haven’t spent much time
mulling over your family’s financial dynamics, do that first.) 3)
Be
humble. "Never assume your way is the right way," Liberman and
Lavine advise. Listen to what your partner says and take it in. Their
outlook may differ wildly from yours, but they hold their views as dearly
as you hold yours, so be respectful, even if you disagree. 4)
Establish
common goals. Liberman and Lavine say that the worst fights couples have
boil down to the fact that they haven’t planned their Big Picture goals
yet. "You need to think about the various milestones in your life
that will require money -- having kids, buying a house, caring for a
parent -- and discuss them." 5)
Quantify
your goals. Barbara Steinmetz, a financial planner in Burlingame, Calif.,
says that once you’ve established even a small goal, like saving for a
vacation, start to work toward it together. One couple she knows has a
date every Saturday where they deposit a fixed amount into their
Saving-for-a-House account. "The feeling of success will be a new
financial bond between you," she says. 6)
Get
help. Talking to a financial planner together can help ease money tension,
since it’s easier to address tough issues with an objective party. Or
take a financial seminar together. 7)
Don’t
lay blame, take action. Let’s say your partner is in debt. Rather that
fight about it (Hello: Arguing won’t reduce that monthly payment!),
force yourselves to focus on a game plan. Taking steps to address the
problem will remind you that you are, and always will be, a financial
team. 8)
If
at first you don’t succeed. . . . Talking about money is hard, much
harder than fighting. So if it takes a while to replace debates with
discussions, don’t sweat it. "Even if you do it wrong, it’s
better to communicate than to not say anything," agree Liberman and
Lavine. Make it your new motto: Stop fightin', keep talkin'. |
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DebtFreeGuru.com - Tip of the Week - Monday, April 7, 2003 • PO Box 3782 • Clearwater Beach, FL • 33767 • Voice/Fax: 813-354-2563 • Copyright 2003 DebtFREEGuru.com All Rights Reserved. |
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